Dinushini Maligaspe's victim impact statement

Victim Impact Statement Court File # 110850 Dinushini Maligaspe April 25-26, 2023 Justice Gropper, It has been a struggle trying to find the words to describe the impact that this sex offender’s actions have had on me. I have rewritten this impact statement many times, over and over again, searching for the clearest way to explain what I have had to endure. Each time I sit down to do that, I am reminded of the sex offender’s ugly face, hidden behind his colourful mask, and all the sad and painful memories of a time which should have been a special period in my life. At the end of this letter, I want him to understand the pain and the weight of his ugly secret - he forced me to carry alone, like a crucifix, for almost 2 decades. This burden is not mine to carry, it is his secrets and his lies. Giving it back to the offender has released me and is allowing me to unlace the knots he tied me down with, that nearly killed me on multiple occasions. Finding my worth, my voice, and my freedom is no easy task, and it is a struggle every single day. My background Before the offender raped me for the first time, my life was already a sad story. At a very young age, I had been badly abused by key parental and authority figures in my life. I was physically, mentally, verbally, and sexually abused by my father for years, from the time I was an infant. I was sexually abused by my mother’s partner between the ages of 8-12 years old and I was physically and sexually abused by my brother when I was 14-16 years old. I felt quite unlucky to be born to the parents I had and into a culture of female subservience and oppression. I was raised in a male-dominated culture following social traditions that dictated how a female should and should not behave. Being born female meant following cultural rules like obedience (especially towards the male figures in my life), not disagreeing or opposing what I am told to do, limiting my intelligence so as not to offend men, serving elders and respected influential relatives, not talking about what happens at home with anyone outside, even if it meant lying and suffering through it all. I did not have the opportunity to grow up in a safe home. Everything was decided for me, and the expectation was that I just follow it all. Speaking up, expressing thoughts, and defending myself were not allowed and only led to physical and sexual assaults and humiliation. Growing up in this suffocating environment with no escape and with no one to offer better examples of how to find a way out, I did not have much confidence or self-esteem. On the surface, I tried to act the part of a ‘normal’ child for friends and family because that was the expectation. I was very insecure, had no core identity, or real socialization skills. I had a poor self-image and was a scared individual, simply enduring and existing – hoping to survive long 1 enough to find a way out. I did not like who I was, was extremely uncomfortable in my skin, and thought I was worthless. But I was young, kindhearted, and I was hopeful my situation would change if I worked hard enough. At an early age I learnt how to suppress the bad, compartmentalize, and keep ploughing through no matter how uncomfortable it was. I learnt in Buddha’s teachings that great determination is required to liberate oneself from suffering and that it can, in some ways, change one’s ill-fate. With this as my source of strength and guidance I carried on with life. My first real introduction to the sex offender. I was 16 years old in 1997 when the offender presented me with an opportunity to study abroad and invited me to live in a ‘happy, healthy environment’ with his family. For the next 5 years, he spent time getting to know me and asked me questions about what life was like at home, what I aspired for, or if I had a career in mind. And he encouraged me to persevere through the hardships until my visa to live in Canada was sorted out. I was inspired by the offender, drawn to the offender’s way of thinking. Finally, finally - I felt I had someone I could look up to, who thinks from a healthy, wholesome, balanced, intelligent, and informed academic point of view. I was relieved to know good people like him existed and most of all – that I could count on him as he was MY UNCLE… MY FAMILY. I felt alive for the first time ever! I thought I was the luckiest girl in Sri Lanka. The offender was the picture-perfect father figure - this was awesome! I was absolutely SURE that once I left Sri Lanka, my life would be better and never again would I be subjected to incest or family violence. I believed everything the offender said, because I was even willing to abandon my home country, leave all my relationships behind, everything I knew – to find the life he painted for me. With his help, I would educate myself and be financially free and independent. This is what the offender said I could achieve if I worked hard. I was DEAD WRONG. Nothing could have been further from the truth. The luckiest girl would be so badly betrayed, the impacts would be permanently set in stone. I never expected the offender, someone I trusted wholeheartedly, to violate me the way he did. Impacts in Kamloops After the first few months in Kamloops, the offender started telling jokes that were sexual in nature at the dinner table. I was uncomfortable, but I went along and laughed with everyone else. Then, the offender would share jokes that were sexual in nature one-on-one with me. I went along and laughed. Then, it was sexual jokes in cartoon form, and then sexual jokes with pictures of real humans. Then he started to ask personal questions about my sexual experiences, and bizarre questions like the colour of my vagina. Again I went along and went along until one day it wasn’t just questions. The first day the offender raped me was my worst nightmare come true. I had no clue what he intended to do to me that evening. My whole head was spinning in disbelief and utter sadness. 2 My whole world came crashing down on me, I did not know what to make of it. My entire body was in SHOCK. I could not move; my mind and spirit were very familiar with the pain of incest and now it weighed me down even further into the abyss. And after he delivered that incomprehensible blow to my existence, I could not get the weight he dumped on me off for the next 20 years of my life. His regular attacks on my body while I lived in his house robbed me of any safe space to call home, and then it got worse when he became a lecturer at Thompson Rivers University, as he took away my next place of refuge - my school. This depressed me to the point of suicide and added layers of trauma causing me to develop unhealthy coping mechanisms just to endure another day. All this, in addition to challenges within the household, adapting to life in Canada, and focusing on schoolwork was punishing. I was picked on and ridiculed by my new Canadian family at times for being meek, shy, and easily intimidated. Yet keeping everyone happy and pleased was my top priority. I carried my weight and did a lot of work around the house. I did my very best to do what I was told, what was expected of me as a member of this new household. In fact, I did more than my share of the chores in the 5 years I lived with the sex offender’s family. I picked up after my 3 cousins, and cooked meals more often than I was scheduled to do during the school week. I cleaned the bathrooms, scrubbed the kitchen floors, vacuumed, did laundry/folded laundry, all while taking a full university course load every semester, working 3 jobs, and volunteering at every opportunity I could. I was and still am a hard-working, focused individual. I was not wasteful, nor did I feel entitled to anything. Ultimately, I wanted to ensure there were no gaps where the offender could rob me again of my independence and chip away at my freedom with each sexual attack. It was futile as he always found a way to sexually assault me. So I gave in to his demands. I was still trying to find my way out while carrying the burden of his secrets and lies, making him proud – making everyone in my family proud. Reflecting on this now, my desire to make him proud was a result of how he manipulated, groomed, and blinded me, while fostering sympathy for himself, similar to Stockholm Syndrome. I was gullible, insecure, rooted in culture and religion, a perfect blend for the offender’s grooming. The offender’s manipulations successfully kept me silent about his crimes against me, convinced me to deny it to myself, and even go beyond that to extol his virtues to the world. Despite all my efforts at university, home, and at work, the offender’s assaults on my body and mind crushed any chance of success. After he started raping me, I went from being on the Dean’s List to failing my university courses. I was often depressed and thought of suicide many times. I attempted it once while in Kamloops, because I could not go on another day, overwhelmed with sadness, hopelessness, anguish, and misery. I failed a course during my last year of university, preventing me from graduating with my class, the class I had grown to feel part of and love. To this day, I feel the sadness of having been robbed of graduating with my cohort, and having my picture included in the Class of 2006 group photo. It was impossible for 3 me to succeed in my studies and in life while the sex offender violated me non-stop day after day. The offender stole from me the successes and achievements that should have been mine. Moving to Calgary In 2007, I created physical distance from the sex offender by starting a new life in a new city. Although I was functional enough to work and appear happy and successful to friends and family, this was superficial. Cracks started to develop. A normal human brain can only sustain so much denial and suppression – denial of the truth, suppression of emotions, and suppression of mental and physical trauma. In December 2018, I had a mental health crisis, in which I could no longer ignore what he had done to me. The sex offender’s actions continue to impact my life, every day, and nearly every aspect of it. The following are a few examples of the various ways his actions have injured me. The full gamut of the impacts are still unknown and will gradually be exposed as I continue on the long process of healing. Emotional Impact My emotional development is stunted. I have a convoluted understanding of my basic emotions and needs. I was deprived at an early age of the ability to discern the difference between normal and abnormal. Compounding this, when I was of age to learn and grow in my early adulthood, the sex offender struck me with a catastrophic blow to my integrity, identity, happiness, and safety. Now, on a daily basis I have bursts of anger and sadness that take over me. I am a kindhearted, caring, non-violent person, but when I get irritated and frustrated, I can't even recognize myself – I just want to scream. When I am triggered (which can happen anywhere at any time) I am scared that I might do something which I will regret. This unpredictability makes me fearful of leaving my house, because I don't want to embarrass myself in public or harm anyone. The sex offender is the cause of this debilitating fear and anxiety I have to live with. When the fear rises to a level that is unbearable, I freeze and feel like I am paralyzed. My world starts closing in and I am incapable of processing my surroundings. This is my body’s inherent trauma response. Instead of being able to accept, forgive, and love myself for who I am, I hate myself for having that response. It is very painful to forgive my old self for having such an inadequate self-defense mechanism. I am unable to classify any type of relationship as safe. I always have a level of suspicion or fear even with the closest of the closest family and friends. I am working with my many therapists to remedy this. It is very exhausting to be hypervigilant about every relationship in my life. It is not normal nor is it constructive, so I am learning to identify healthy relationships and what they look like when they have trust, respect, power equality, friendship, and loyalty – and lack all the lies, shame, guilt, embarrassment, and betrayal. The sex offender is the one who taught me that all relationships are built on lies and betrayal. The toughest impact has been building on or deepening my relationships with people. Because the offender had many roles and worn many masks – Registered Nurse, Director at the 4 Canadian Mental Health Association Kamloops Chapter, psychiatric planner for Interior Health Authority, lecturer at Thompson Rivers University, Rotary volunteer, community leader, counselor, husband, father, goofy fun educated uncle, friend…..just an everyday good citizen and good Samaritan – I find it challenging to trust anyone in a comparable role. That is 99% of everyone I would meet on a day-to-day basis. I have an arduous time connecting with or working together with anyone in these roles. The sex offender showed me not to trust anyone, especially those who are held in high esteem. I have a service dog now. She helps me in ways that humans and medication cannot. Having confidence that she has no hidden agenda or any intention of hurting me, has made it possible for me to give love and receive love from her. She has taught me how to trust another being. Her trust and reliance on me to keep her safe and provide for her, has in turn taught me how to trust her and how trust in our relationship works. Clinically, I have been diagnosed with severe depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, multiple addictions, acute psychosis, severe anxiety etc. It angers me that the offender manipulated and assaulted me with the full understanding and expertise of a mental health nurse care provider, knowing how his violations would affect my mental health for the rest of my life. Every day in the morning when I wake up, I remind myself that this is a new day and that I am a kind, caring, and a capable individual; I am deserving of respect and love; I have a right to a safe environment; I have power in my voice; I have strong legs; and I can run or fight back. Paralysis is the old Dinushini. My voice was small and defenseless, and the sex offender took away what little voice I had left. Now I am taking back what is rightfully mine. Physical Impact Many of my emotional impacts manifest as physical symptoms in my body. It is very painful, and at times incapacitating. Whenever I speak up about my trauma with anyone, I have excruciating pelvic pain and cramps, most often followed by erratic menstrual cycles and urinary incontinence. My toes and feet cramp up preventing me from standing, walking, or moving until the trigger is gone or the cramps subside. When this happens in public or when I am at work it is very embarrassing and upsetting. Each time, I am yet again reminded that the sex offender left me with all these ailments to figure out on my own. For years and years after the trauma I am still dealing with it. His violations on my body physically pains me to this day. I am often confronted by cold freezing spells where my entire body is shivering and shaking. The only way to remedy this is to have a hot shower until my muscles can relax and stop shaking. Sometimes I have 3-4 hot showers a day just to relax my body and make my body feel calm. With the help of my therapists, I am learning to use sensory motor resources, such as essential oils and textured rocks for tactile sensation to ground myself and to remind myself that I am safe. I have to carry these objects with me everywhere I go. Even with these tools, on the 5 worst days I am incapable of going anywhere, including work. The sex offender’s attacks have made me a prisoner in my own body. I have always struggled with excessive sweating of my hands and feet (a psychosomatic disorder called Hyperhidrosis) whenever I am triggered by a stressful event. But ever since the sex offender assaulted me it has become exponentially worse. Every day I go to work my hands and feet are sweating. I am unable to shake someone’s hand during an introduction, nor can I converse with someone without constantly wiping my sweaty hands on the sides of my pants. I carry hand towels and paper towels line the inside of my pockets to help absorb the sweat. I cannot write anything or answer the phone, I cannot sit at a restaurant in public and eat without feeling self-conscious and nervous, and without having sweat drip down along my hands and arms. Other physical manifestations of stress and trauma include, but are not limited to, excessive oral hygiene and body hygiene to try and feel clean, grinding teeth and sore jaw, facial rash, and various skin infections. I have had to use very expensive medicated creams, which are not covered by my work medical plan, to help resolve these infections. All these physical symptoms are caused by the trauma resulting from the offender’s assaults. I wish I could replace the skin on my body so I can feel clean and fresh. I would also ask for a new mouth or oral cavity to erase the oral sexual trauma he inflicted on me. I wish I could replace my brain so all these memories do not exist. If there was a fixed price for these procedures, that is what I would have asked for as restitution. Economic Impact Weekly counseling and occupational therapy have exhausted most of my savings which I had planned to use in other ways to advance my career and financial prospects. Despite the positive growth and healing, due to a restrictive budget and depleting funds, I have had to reduce my therapy sessions to be able to make ends meet. Since 2019, I have used approximately $40,000 of my own money on my professional therapy. Purchasing a service dog was also something I never imagined I would have to experience. The initial cost of $15,000 plus ongoing costs has restricted my financial freedom to do other activities. Having said that, my service dog has complimented my life in many ways that money could never do. However, the purchase was made as a necessity for my daily functioning as opposed to my desire for a dog. I have been a high-functioning Intensive Care Nurse for over 10 years. Prior to that, I worked in renal-pancreatic transplant for 6 years. My annual income was between $95 - $105 thousand per annum. Since my nervous breakdown, my income has dropped by 50%. Between 2019 and 2022, my income was reduced to $45-$55 thousand per annum. I am also restricted in my capacity to work as a Registered Nurse. I have severe limitations in my thinking, decision-making processes, and skills as a RN. I am unable to see a future without these 6 limitations for many years to come. My earning potential for the remainder of my life has been affected forever. All these economic impacts have resulted in acquiring some debt to pay for my treatment and recovery. These expenses are ongoing and continue to be essential to my recovery. They are a necessary investment for me to have any chance of a balanced, happy life in the future. Fears for Security I have developed a complex form of fear after the sex offender crossed the line and assaulted me many times over. The fear I have is not just for people I don’t know. I also fear people I know well and interact with – my cousins, uncles, aunties, friends, colleagues, fellow volunteers… everyone – on a daily basis. The way he broke my trust and violated me taught me to never trust even those closest to me. In spite of having a home alarm system, a panic button, and a doorbell camera, I am constantly peeking through the window when a car goes by, jumpy when there are sudden noises in the neighbourhood, and afraid to answer my door even when my friends arrive, for fear that the offender will be standing there. This all-encompassing fear is a defence mechanism caused by his repeated rapes. I also feel unsafe in public. When someone walks behind me in hallways at work or grocery stores, I get anxious and develop sweaty hands. My breath changes and my focus narrows. I feel like I have to run and hide. I have a fear of health care professionals even when I know I should trust them to help me. This was a challenge when I was taken in for an emergency appendectomy a few months after confronting the offender and I had to trust my surgeon and healthcare team not harm me while I was unconscious. Also when I was experiencing acute psychosis in 2019 to trust their treatment plan. When I was a teenager living in Sri Lanka, I revealed to a few relatives that my father and brother were abusing me. Some relatives did not like this and started to harass and humiliate me in public. They called me a liar. I have had fears that after the trial, some of the offender's family members (in Canada and Sri Lanka) may retaliate by humiliating me like the offender has already done. Sadly, these fears were correct and I did suffer humiliating consequences after trial. With the help of my service dog, I have been able to address a very small portion of my fears. She helps mitigate any symptoms by reminding me that I have a voice and I am not alone. When I have night terrors, paralyzing nightmares, and terrifying images that the offender is standing at my bedroom doorway, my service dog supports me by waking me up gently so that I am not fighting and screaming when I wake up. She applies deep pressure therapy on my legs and chest in order to prevent my legs from shaking and to regulate my breathing. This can happen 3-4 times a week. These are the various situations of fear I encounter. 7 Impacts of the Justice System and Trial Having to go through the legal process has also been a distressing experience for me. The impact of having to do 3 video recorded interviews with the Kamloops RCMP and Calgary Police Services, along with numerous statements and emails, have reminded me that he is completely untrustworthy and completely incapable of owning up to his actions. Despite all my efforts in healing and recovery, my progress was constantly interrupted as the trial approached, knowing that during this trial I would have to go back in time and dig into my brain for the most unpleasant of memories and present the facts to a group of strangers in order to seek justice. This process in itself is upsetting and tortuous. The sex offender has put me through this by refusing to admit the truth and accepting the impact and damage of his actions. Preparing for trial was like walking into a hurricane with nothing but the truth in my hand to protect me. I was upset and felt embarrassed, sitting in the gallery, observing the sex offender being dishonest after he had taken an oath and lied in front of the jury. Each time there was a delay in proceedings it dragged on my trauma. By doing so the sex offender demonstrated that he is incapable of victim empathy or, at the very least, recognizing how he abused his position of trust and power. The entire process with the justice system has been a whirlwind. The system has its limitations and drawbacks that have impacted me negatively as a victim. The long waits, unexpected date changes, courtesies and pleasantries offered to the sex offender at the early stages of the legal process “because he has a clean record” or remarks such as “don’t want to cause any undue stress on him” upset me. It felt like he was getting preferential treatment. Statements like that are very hard to hear, and can bring up the worst feelings. Furthermore, having to limit my capacity in how much I could share with anyone “until trial is over” due to the legal proceedings, made me feel like my voice was taken away by the sex offender again. It made me feel like I was holding vomit in my mouth and not being allowed to expel it for years until “the trial is over”. Conclusion I have what feels like an endless amount of sadness to expel and shed, therefore, I hope I have effectively communicated to my family, friends, and everyone listening in the courtroom a picture of my journey and what it has been like to break my silence and find my voice. I am a determined individual and I continue to survive the damage the offender has inflicted on me. Although I am limited as to what I can do as a nurse, I have been able to return to my full time pre-disability hours at the hospital. This gives me a sense of value and purposeful contribution. I follow a strict daily routine in order to manage my daily needs and household responsibilities. However, I must always be ready to be derailed by something that triggers me and causes my day, my world to be thrown into turmoil, till I can work through it to find my 8 balance again. Depression and suicide as an escape are no longer my default ways of thinking. I look forward to a happy life with healthy coping skills and trustworthy relationships. Although I have lost some family whom I love dearly despite never wanting to bring them harm, taking back my freedom and my voice has been worth every bit of the struggle! My intention was to shed light on the potential harm that any of my cousins or cousins’ children may experience at the hands of the sex offender and exercise my professional responsibility as a nurse. I feared for the safety of my family and people that he has contact with or power over. Thank you to the huge pillars of strength that stood tall and strong surrounding me during the past few years. I was able to find refuge in their words and love when I felt drained and depleted – my family, friends, nursing colleagues, and therapist. A special thank you to the small army that rallied around me during the trial - they showered me with love, made sure I ate and rested, helped pick my clothes for court, ensured I had my rocks, oils and tea with me, drove Daisy and I to court... I am sooo very fortunate to have these amazing souls around me. Words cannot express my gratitude to Daisy, the best little sister, who helps me in areas neither medication nor human relationships could repair. Finally, today, I can freely speak out loud about my experience as much as I want and to whomever and however many people. I can find solace that the world is a safer place today than it was yesterday. 9 V1 Items of healing The following are actions that would bring meaningful healing to my journey and help me to find closure to this ugly chapter of my life: 1. I want the offender to issue a written statement to the entire family owning up to all his actions (all his sisters and brother, all his nieces and nephews, his wife and children). 2. I want the offender to complete a formally recognized course on consent and victim empathy. 3. I strongly suggest the offender watch the following video: Tea and Consent (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZwvrxVavnQ) 4. I want the offender to complete a S. N Goenka 10 Day Vipassanā course AND serve a 10 day Vipassanā course. 5. Photos - These photos were supposed to represent special moments in my life that the offender took away, because on each of these occasions he assaulted me, either before or after the photo was taken. I want the offender to have them as they only bring me sadness and grief. I want the offender to see what I have had to smile through. 6. Financial restitution - I have had to pay out of pocket for my therapy, costs associated with my Service Dog and the loss of income current and ongoing for the remainder of my professional career. I have used my savings, and borrowed funds from relatives and the bank to recover from the damage the offender caused. The sex offender must take ownership of these expenses. 10