Sexual ABCs in Africa, Part 2: Be Faithful – Commentary on Polyamory and BDSM

EDUCATION: [theory] Sexual ABCs in Africa, Part 2: Be Faithful This is the second in the three-part "Sexual ABCs" series, but I originally intended it to be the last one, because it's the most complicated by far. TK OK ok Sexual ABCs in Africa, Part 2: Be Faithful South African President Jacob Zuma has three wives; in a headline-making ceremony, a South African businessman recently married four women at once. King Mswati of Swaziland has thirteen wives, and his father King Sobhuza had 70. (Yes. Seventy.) Here in southern Africa, even those rich men who don't take multiple wives almost always support mistresses. Naturally, local women don't get multiple spouses, and the social penalties for infidelity are much worse for women. In America, feminists often point out that "slut" is an insult while "stud" is a compliment; there's a similar linguistic trend in siZulu, but the English words are mild compared to their siZulu equivalents. te Kk ok I rarely practice consensual non-monogamy myself, but I don't hesitate to advocate destigmatizing polyamory and swing in America. True, my primary interest is BDSM, but there's so much to learn from every form of consensual sexuality. Plus, we're basically on the same side -- it'd be great if different sex subcultures had more consciousness of a sex-positive "agenda" or "movement"! Although our communities have different emphases and, sometimes, profoundly different values, I see swingers and polyfolk as my brothers- and sisters-in-arms. But enough of the soapbox! The point is that I've often defended poly -- and I've gotten into interesting arguments doing so. One friend noted just how hard it is for poly people to negotiate their relationships. "It's so complicated,” he complained. "So much communication is required. Doesn't that seem like an argument against it? If polyamory were really a good relationship model, then people wouldn't have to put so much effort into accomplishing it.” "It's only complicated because polyamory isn't our societal default," I replied. "People have to put extra effort into negotiating relationships that fall outside the norm. The same thing happens with BDSM. Kinksters must spend a lot more time discussing our sexual relationships, because it's more dangerous for us to make assumptions about where our partners want to go. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with kink. "And," I added, "that extra effort can be a feature, not a bug! The fact that kinksters spend so much time isolating different aspects of our sexuality has given us a uniquely fine- grained sexual vocabulary. I think most kinksters tend to make fewer assumptions about our partners' boundaries than vanilla people do. And circumstances have forced us to develop some brilliant strategies for bedroom communication. I'm not saying we're all brilliant communicators, but I think we've got a unique window on it. When I run sexual communication workshops, half the tactics I share are filched from the BDSM HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018585