EFTA Document EFTA01739751

Subject: see Jackie in Bensalem, Yonkers, O ster Bay, Brewster! From: "Jackie Martling" Sent Wednesday, October 19, 2016 5:54:42 PM To: jeevacationftmaitcom Mrs. Kelly says to Mrs. Rosenberg, "Well, last night I got home from work and bejeezus, Kelly'd bathed the children, one load of laundry 'twas in the washer and another 'twere in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove and don't you know the table was set." Mrs. Rosenberg says, "Really? What got into him?" Mrs. Kelly says, "It seems Kelly read an article in a magazine that said wives who're work full-time jobs and still have to be doin' their own housework are always too tired to be havin' any sex." Mrs. Rosenberg says, "So did you give him great sex after dinner?" Mrs. Kelly says, "Noo, noo. Kelly, he was too tired." A pile of vomit goes into a bar and orders a beer. After a few beers, the pile of vomit starts to weep. The bartender says, "What's going on?" The pile of vomit says, "I'm feeling a little sentimental. This is where I was brought up." ******* Here we are, out in the country, and Maw walks in. She says, "Jethro! Get out there and fix that there outhouse!" He says, "All right, Maw." He says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse." She says, "Put your head down in the hole." He puts his head down in the hole and he says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse." He goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! Oww! Maw! Maw, my beard's stuck!" She says, "It's aggravatin, ain't it?" LaCava goes into a psychiatrist's office and lies on the couch. EFTA_R1_00028551 EFTA01739751 He says, "Doc, I can't seem to make friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?" ******* 8pm this Wednesday, October 19th with Rich Harkaway! Joe Conklin's Comedy Night The 360 Lounge Pan Casino 2999 Street Road Bensalem, Pennsylvania parxcasino.com ******* 8:30pm Saturday, October 29th Ha! Comedy Club 257 Market St. (1 Ridge Hill Rd.) Yonkers, New York (914) 358-9260 www.haridgehill.com ******* 8pm Friday, November 4th "A Night Of Stump The Joke Man" to benefit the Marty Lyons Charity Foundation Oyster Bay Brewing Company 36 Audrey Avenue Oyster Bay, New York (516) 802-5546 oysterbaybrewing.com ******* dinner 6pm, show 8pm Saturday November 5th Comedy Night @ Vista On The Hill 31 Mt. Ebo Road North North Brewster, New York (845) 278-5110 templebethelohim.org EFTA_R1_00028552 EFTA01739752 7pm Saturday, December 3rd McGuire's Comedy Club 1627 Smithtown Avenue Bohemia, New York (631) 467-5413 mcguirescomedyshows.com all show info on jokeland.com A major's visiting the hospital and he says to the first bedridden private, "Why're you in here, soldier?" The soldier says, "Chronic syphilis, sir." The major says, "What're they doing for it?" The soldier says, "Five minutes a day with the wire brush, sir." The major says, "What's your ambition?" The soldier says, "To get back to the front, sir." The major says, "Good man," goes to the next bed and says, "Why're you in here, soldier?" The soldier says, "Chronic piles, sir." The major says, "What're they doing for it?" The soldier says, "Five minutes a day with the wire brush, sir." The major says, "What's your ambition?" The soldier says, "To get back to the front, sir." The major says, "Good man," goes to the next bed and says, "Why're you in here, soldier?" The soldier says, "Chronic gum disease, sir." The major says, "What treatment are you getting?" The soldier says, "Five minutes a day with the wire brush, sir." The major says, "What's your ambition?" The soldier says, "To get that brush before the other two guys." ******* A little old lady calls a plumber. He doesn't show, so she goes shopping. Just after she leaves, the plumber knocks on her door. EFTA_R1_00028553 EFTA01739753 Inside, her parrot says, "Who is it?" The plumber says, "It's the plumber, lady." A few seconds later the parrot says, "Who is it?" The plumber says, "It's the plumber, lady." A few seconds later, the parrot says, "Who is it?" The plumber says, "It's the plumber! I told you, it's the ... arghh!" He has a heart attack and collapses dead on the steps. A while later the lady comes up her walk and says, "I-I wonder who this is o- on my steps?" The parrot says, "It's the plumber." ******* Halloween! a time to praise your scars & zits! the scariest possible costume? Donald Trump dressed as President of the United States. please tell everybody you know that to get on the list for monthly jokes, to just e-mail me, [email protected] when's the last time you "Used Your Finger!" and dialed (516) 922-WINE ?! still going, 37 years later ... [ 516-922-9463 ] Long Island! I hope to see you at McGuire's on Saturday, December 3rd! Jackie 4444*** Leeds picks up a hitchhiker, and before he takes off, the hitchhiker pulls out a gun and tells him to jerk off. So he does it. Then the hitchhiker tells him to do it again. So Leeds jerks off again. No sooner does he finish the second time, the hitchhiker tells him to do it one more time. After pumping and pumping and pumping, Leeds finally finishes the third time. Then the hitchhiker gets out of the car and a pretty girl gets in. The hitchhiker says to Leeds, "Now will you do me a favor and give my sister a ride to town?" EFTA_R1_00028554 EFTA01739754 What's the difference between an elephant and a New York taxicab? The elephant has the trunk in the front and the asshole in the back. ******* A kid goes to pick up his blind date, and when he gets there, he finds out she has no arms and no legs. But he's a good sport, so he puts her in the car, takes her to a movie. When the movie's over, he puts her back in the car. When he gets in his side of the car, she says, "Have you got any rope with you?" He says, "Yeah." She says, "You know where that big oak is, the one with the low limb, down in the dark corner of the park?" He says, "Yeah." She says, "Why don't you take us there?" And he agrees, because it helps the joke. When they get there, she has him undress her, and then she gives him explicit instructions how to use the rope to suspend her from the limb, and they proceed to have the wildest sex the guy's ever had in his entire life. When they get done, he takes her home, carries her inside, and puts her on the couch. As he's leaving, her father meets him at the door and says, "Here, son." The guy looks down, and her father is handing him five hundred dollars. Her father says, "Please take this." The guy says, "I can't take that, sir." Her father says, "Please, son, I appreciate what you did tonight. Take the money." The kid says, "Sir, I can't take the money. You see, I-I had sex with your daughter." Her father says, "Of course you did. But at least you didn't leave her hanging from that damn tree." ******* Minervini says to Rosegarten, "My wife ran away with my best friend." Rosegarten says, "That sucks." Minervini says, "Yeah. I'm really gonna miss him." ******* A blonde's walking down the street. She sees a banana peel ahead and says, "Here we go again." EFTA_R1_00028555 EFTA01739755 ******* please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @JackieMartling **ale*** Galluccio says to Ingegno, "I learned a very important life lesson today. I 'm getting married in a few weeks and I went over to my fiancee's house to look at the wedding invitations. Her mother's a really sexy woman, and as we were looking at the invitations, she started rubbing my leg ... and a few minutes later she asked me if I'd take her upstairs and make love to her. I got up and left. As I walked out the front door, her father was standing there smiling, and he said, 'You passed our little test, son. Glad to have you in the family.'" Ingegno says, "So what's the life lesson?" Galluccio says, "Always keep your rubbers in the glove compartment." ****** A pickle walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, you're a pickle! Why'd you come in here?" The pickle says, "Well, for starters, I'm going to celebrate the fact I can walk." The local United Way realizes that it had never got a donation from the town's most successful lawyer, so a local volunteer calls him and says, "Even though your annual income is well over a million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Would you like to give back to the community through The United Way?" The lawyer says, "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?" The rep says, "No." The lawyer says, "Secondly, did your research show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The rep says, "No." The lawyer says, "Thirdly, did your research show that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?" The rep says, "I had no idea." EFTA_R1_00028556 EFTA01739756 The lawyer says, "And if I won't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give it to you?" ***** Pinkerton says, "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I give you?" His wife says, "Turn sideways and look in the mirror." ***** Leeds says, "Doc, I don't know what to do about my wife. Every night, she goes to Larry's Bar and picks up men. She's fucking everybody, and it's making me nuts. What should I do?" The doctor says, "Take a deep breath, calm down, and then give me the directions to Larry's Bar." ***** Sabean's really drunk. He's sitting at the bar, his pecker's out, he's got a monstrous hard-on, and he's jerking off like there's no tomorrow. The bartender says, "Sabean, you gotta get outta here." Sabean says, "Are you kiddie I can't leave. I can't walk. I'm so drunk, I don't even know who I'm screwin'." ***** What were the eight Mexicans doing in the Volkswagon? Going to pick up their dates. ***** Iazetta's drinking at the bar when the fire whistle blows. He guzzles his drink and goes for his coat. The bartender says, "I didn't know you were a volunteer fireman." lazetta says, "I'm not ... but my girlfriend's husband is." ******* How many vaginas does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but is has to be very sticky. EFTA_R1_00028557 EFTA01739757 ******* Frappolo comes home from work and his wife's got a huge new diamond ring. He says, "Where'd you get that?" She says, "I won it in a raffle." The next day he comes home from work and there's a new Cadillac in the driveway. He says, "Where'd that come from?" His wife says, "I won it in a raffle. Honey, I'm tired, I've been out all day ... would you please run me a bath?" A few minutes later she walks into the bathroom and there's only a half-inch of water in the tub. She yells, "Sweetheart, how come you only put half-inch of water in the tub?" He yells back, "I didn't want to get your raffle ticket wet." ******* A truck driver's tearing down the freeway when he sees a sign that says, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he can do anything, there's the bridge and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a cop car drives up. The cop walks up and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "Nope. I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas." What should you do with gum you find in the toilet bowl? Chew the crap out of it. Special! download! download six of my wild dirty jokes Oglio CD's only $20! plus! ... you get a hundred insults & "The Pot Song" ! Jackie's 6 CD Special! A big fat Polish lady pushes her car into a gas station. The mechanic says, "What's the matter? EFTA_R1_00028558 EFTA01739758 She says, "It conked out." In a few minutes, it's purring like a kitten. She says, "What's the story?" He says, "Crap in the carburetor." She says, "How often do I have to do that?" * ***** What's a donut maker get when he beats off too close to the fire? Krispy Kreme. * ***** Why don't Arabs circumcise their camels? So they've got a place to put their gum during a sandstorm. ****** yep, it's The JokeLand E-Mail List! free yuks! please tell everybody you know! free jokes! free jokes! ... by just e-mailing me, [email protected] * **St* Dirty Johnny gets a job at the morgue and gets fired the first day. The funeral director calls Johnny's mother and says, "I fired your son for defecation of a corpse." His mother says, "Don't you mean desecration?" He says, "No, I mean defecation. He took a crap on a dead lady." ******** What's black and white and hairy? Sister Mary Vagina. ******** A lady goes to the doctor and says, "My husband sent me here because he says my vagina has an odor. But but I bent way over and took a big whiff, and I don't smell nothin'." The doctor examines her, and then says, "Lady, you need an operation." EFTA_R1_00028559 EFTA01739759 She says, "On my vagina?" He says, "No, on your nose. My God. Yowie. Jeez, lady." ******** What'd the leper say at the fancy restaurant? "May I have another finger bow!? Mine's full." ******** Quinn washes up on a deserted island, and all alone he sits as the weeks drag by. Finally one day a sheep comes walking along the beach. He runs and grabs it, and just as he starts trying to get it on with the sheep, a dog runs out of the woods and starts biting his legs and clawing at him. He tries to kick the dog away but he can't shake him. Every time Quinn tries to get romantic with the sheep, the dog attacks. Weeks later, a beautiful blonde washes up on the shore. She's just about dead, but he gives her artificial respiration, pumps her arms and chest, breathes air into her lungs, and brings her back to life. She comes to and she's incredibly grateful. She says, "You saved my life! I nearly died and you brought me back. What can I do to repay you? Anything. What can I do for you?" Quinn points and says, "Hold that dog." ******** The World's Best Gifts! they keep on giving! all six of Jackie's Oglio joke CD's ... hard copies or downloads! The Joke Man, Sgt.Pecker, Hot Dogs & Donuts, Come Again?, F. jackie & snail ... are available on Amazon, iTunes ( snart is on sale! ), and at Oglio.com ********* Woodbury goes on a long trip and has to take along his secretary, who's really got the hots for him. The first night on the train, Nshe whispers from her bunk across the sleeping car, "Mr. Woodbury. I'm cold. I think I need a blan-ket ..." Woodbury says, "Miss Johnson, how'd you like to pretend you're Mrs. Woodbury for a little while?" EFTA_R1_00028560 EFTA01739760 She says, "Oh, I'd like that." He says, "Then get your own damn blanket." ss* please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST @JackieMartling ********* A nudist is wittling, slips and almost cuts off his pecker. His pecker looks up at him and says, "You know, we've had a lot of fistfights, but I never thought you'd pull a knife on me." ***** ... and huge thanks to Phil Iazzetta & iHeart Radio 24/7 Comedy he plays me a-plenty ... ******** Reiser, Wolfberg and Bales are arguing over who's gor the longest schlong. They go out on the Observation Deck of the Empire State Building and hang them over. Reiser says, "Check it out. This beauty reaches down to the 68th floor." Woltberg says, "Hale That's nothin'. This monster's danglin' down past the 34th floor!" They look over and see Bales doing a jig, jumping back and forth ... They yell at him, "What the hell are you doin'?" Bales says, "Dodgin' traffic." ******** Friedman's standing on the sidewalk when he sees a funeral procession coming down the street. There's the hearse, then a huge German shepherd, then about a hundred men in single file walking behind them. Friedman says to the guy in front, "Who died?" The guy says, "My mother-in-law." Friedman says, "How?" EFTA_R1_00028561 EFTA01739761 Friedman says, "Heh, heh I'd sure like to borrow your dog some day." The guy says, "Get in line." ******** please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @JackieMartling ******* to hear endless jokes from all of my CDs, get the Pandora or the Spoti6) app and type in "Jackie Martling" ***Kxxxr What do homos daydream about? Playing leap frog with a unicorn. ******* the $2.95 Guys are the official supplier of all JokeLand tees PikCARDS are the greatest! terrific ads for your band! please take a look! www.pik ca rd .com ********* Woods is in his car with a girl and says, "How about a hand job?" She says, "I don't know what that is." He says, "Remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it? Just do that." She says, "Okay." He takes it out and she grabs it. A few minutes later, he starts screaming. She says, "What's the matter?" He says, "Take your damn thumb off the end." EFTA_R1_00028562 EFTA01739762 ********* for great dirty jokes 24/7, Use Your Finger! dial (516) 922-WINE ! free jokes for The Universe since 1979... simply dial (516) 922-9463 ... ... not a pay service, just a regular call ... 37 years of free jokes! HusbandMart opens. It has six floors, and the men increase in desirability as you ascend the flights. You can choose a man from that floor, but the catch is, if you go up a floor, you can't go back down, except to leave. Joy goes to HusbandMart, and the sign on the first floor door says, "First Floor. These men have jobs." She says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's on the next floor?," so she goes up. The sign on the second floor door says, "Second Floor. These men have jobs and love children." She says to herself, "Well, that's great, but I wonder what's on the next floor?," so she goes up. The sign on the third floor door says, "Third Floor. These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." She thinks, "Hmmm ... that's even better, but I wonder what's upstairs?" The sign on the fourth floor door says, "Fourth Floor. These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and will help with the housework." She thinks, "Wow. Very tempting. But there must be more further up." The sign on the fifth floor door says, "Fifth Floor. These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." She thinks, "Oh, my God...but I wonder what's awaiting me further up?" The sign on the sixth floor door says, "Sixth Floor. You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping HusbandMart and have a nice day." in a related story: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has EFTA_R1_00028563 EFTA01739763 wives that love sex, have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. for the kids: Knock, knock ... Who's there? Danny ... Danny who? Danny body home? Where's Batman take a shower? In the barroom. Where's a two-ton gorilla sleep? Anywhere he wants to. What's big and grey, has a magic wand, and puts money under little elephants' pillows? The Tusk Fairy. What would you call a carrot who talks back to his mother? A fresh vegetable. What do ghosts like to chew? Boo-ble gum. End of Kids' Section! Tienken takes a Chinese girl on a date. He gets drunk and says to her, "Y-ou know wh-why I asked you out? B- because I want to know, once a-and for all d-does it really go from side to side i-instead of u-up and down?" She says, "Whatsa difference? What, you play the harmonica or somethin'?" EFTA_R1_00028564 EFTA01739764 Leopold says to his new psychiatrist, "I had a really weird dream last night. I was with my mother, but when she turned around, she had your face. It was very disturbing. In fact, it woke me up and I never got back to sleep. I just lay there waiting for morning to come. Then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here. Can you explain my dream?" The psychiatrist says, "A Coke? You call that a breakfast?" A guy walks into a Fire Island delicatessen. He meekly, "Can I have a baloney?" The counterman says, "Would you like me to slice it up?" The guy says, "Does my fanny look like a piggy bank?" ******* Steinberg goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog. A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out of her armpit, and tosses it on the bun. Steinberg says, "What the hell was that all about?" She says, "I was just keeping it warm for you." He says, "Cancel my hot dog." ******* Confucius Say: Schoolboy who fool around with schoolgirl during wrong period get caught red-handed. ******* A cute young blonde goes to a radio station late one night and bangs on the door. The all-night D.J. lets her in, talks to her for a while between songs, and starts getting really horny. When he can't stand it any more, he rolls his chair over in front of her, stands on it, takes out his pecker and sticks it right in her face. He says, "Do you know what to do?" She looks up at him and says, "I-I think so." He says, "Then go ahead." She grabs it and screams into it, "I just want to say hello to Terry and Holly and the whole gang at Matt's Grill." EFTA_R1_00028565 EFTA01739765 Why can't you tell a knock-knock joke to a Donald Trump? He keeps answering the door. lc* ***** Late one night Minervini's car breaks down in front of a farmhouse, so he goes to the door and asks the farmer if he can stay the night. The farmer says, "I got no mom in the house, but you can stay in the hayloft out in the barn. And, hey, there's one of them there homosexuals what's stayin' up there, too, but there's plenty of room." Minervini's exhausted, so he figures what the hell. He climbs up into the hayloft, and the gay guy's really excited to have company. The gay guy says, "Let's play, lees play. Let's play fart football. I'll go first." He pulls down his pants, bends over, and says, "Fartzy-wartzy, fartzy- wartzy," as he strains to fart. He lets go a loud "LOW" and says, "Six points! Six points! I'll go for the extra! I'll go for the extra!" He strains again, a little "LAM" comes out, and he says, "Seven to zero! I'm winning! Your turn, your turn!" Minervini's disgusted, but he wants to be good company, so he pulls down his pants, bends over, and says, "Fartsy-wartsy," and farts. The gay guy says, "Six points! Go for the extra! Go for the extra!" As Minervini bends over and starts to strain again, the gay guy runs behind him, and starts sticking it in and out of Minervini, yelling, "Block that kicks Block that kick!" Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods? ... and didn't recognize him? ***** Gomer lives on a farm, and he knows nothing about women or sex, so for his twenty-first birthday, his paw gives him fifty bucks and tells him to go to town and buy himself a hooker. Gomer goes to town, meets a hooker in front of a bar, offers her the fifty, and they go back to her place. When they get there, she tells EFTA_R1_00028566 EFTA01739766 him he'll have to settle for a blow job because she's having her period. He says, "What's a period?" She says, "I'll show you." She lifts up her dress, and pulls out her Tampon. She says, "See? I'm bleeding." He says, "Well, it's no wonder yer bleedin'. Somebody done cut your pecker off." ******* The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word perhaps in it." Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework." The teacher says, "Very good, Claude." She calls on Dirty Johnny in the back. "John?" Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna crap on the piano." ***** A lady has a baby, and all it is, is a head. Nothing but a head. Just a dog-gone head. That's all it is, is a head. So what's she gonna do, she puts it at the top of the stairs, on a table, facing out the window. It's the least she can do. For eighteen years, there's the head ... eighteen years. Finally, one day the phone rings, she answers it, and it's the hospital. A doctor says, "Mrs. Johnson, there's been a terrible accident. Someone was decapitated, but we saved the body, and we can put your head ... well, not your head ... but your head's head ... the head you have at home, we can put it on top of the body and you can have a regular son after all these years." Needless to say, the lady is tickled pink. She goes running up the stairs and says, "Bobby! Bobby! I've got the most wonderful surprise for you!" He says, "I hope it's not another hat." please follow me on Twitter ! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... EFTA_R1_00028567 EFTA01739767 ®JackieMartling ******* Rosegarten goes into a whorehouse for a blow job. After he unloads, the girl spits his nasty into a big pickle jar. Rosegarten says, "Why didn't you swallow it?" She says, "Me and Tiffany're having a holiday contest to see who can fill up their jar first." Rosegarten says, "What's the winner get?" She says, "Both jars." ******* www.jokeland.com for information on Jackie's shows, you can always just "Use Your Finger!" thirty-seven years of free jokes! and dial (516) 922-WINE ... (516) 922-9463 not a pay service, just a local call ... ****** Stash says to Magda, "Honey, it's Tuesday, and we're getting married on Saturday. Can we get undressed and have a bit of fun?" She says, "No, Stashu, you'll have to wait until Saturday." He says, "Well, how about letting me have just a little sniff, then?" She figures that's harmless, so she pulls up her dress and pulls down her panties so Stash can have a whiff. He puts his face right up to her very hairy crotch, and takes a deep breath. He pushes her away, looks up, and says, "Magda, my sweet, I'm not sure this thing is gonna keep 'til Saturday." ****** I hope you enjoyed this month's jokes ... if you didn't, why don't you piss in your shoes and go float yourself? *14*** EFTA_R1_00028568 EFTA01739768 You've received this e-mail either because you've signed up at the JokeLand website to be kept informed about what Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling is up to, or because you are currently having an online dialog with Jackie. If this is not the case OR to be forever removed from this list, please send an e-mail to jokeland(Thaol.com with the word "unlist" in the subject line. thanks, a JokeLand E-Mail JokeLand Inc. Box 58 Bayville, NY 11709 USA This email was sent by JokeLand, Inc., located at Box 58, Bayville, NY 11709 (USA). You've received this e-mail either because you've signed up at the JokeLand website to be kept informed about what Jackie "The Joke Man" Mailing is up to, or because you are currently having an online dialog with Jackie. If this is not the case OR to be forever removed from this list, please click here or reply to this email with "unlist" in the Subject line. EFTA_R1_00028569 EFTA01739769