Discussion of BDSM aftercare and its psychological dynamics

I've previously defined aftercare as "a cool-down period after an S&M encounter, which often involves reassurance and a discussion of how things went." That's a decent quick definition, but there's a lot more to it. Bodily violence sometimes creates a mental malleability and vulnerability that can be used in good ways... but also in terrible ways. I see aspects of this in competitive sports, especially the ones that involve fighting and hurting other people very directly. (Have you ever seen that phenomenon where two guys fight each other and then become Best Friends right afterwards?) Being together with an S&M partner during aftercare can be used to free people, to make them feel amazing and establish extraordinary intimacy. But it can hurt people too; it can hurt them terribly. Aftercare, like subspace, is one of the most mysterious parts of S&M. Like subspace, a lot of S&Mers describe aftercare in nigh-mystical language. One excellent page of aftercare advice begins by saying: Aftercare is the last act of the SM drama. It is the culmination, the pulling together of all loose ends, the finishing touches, the final communion between sharers of the SM ritual, the phase where the participants formally give the fantasy scene a context in everyday reality. Its technical purpose is to transition both players from the elevated states created ina scene [i.e., an S&M encounter] back into normalcy, returning to the motor control and awareness they will need to drive home once the scene is over. But as any good SM practitioner will tell you, it's much more than that. It is the time after the action when the participants come together in mutual affirmation that something special was created and shared. It is when affection and closeness is offered and sought. It is, at very least, the proper time to express thanks to the person who has shared this tiny segment of your life with you. It can be, and often is, the most beautiful part of a scene, and it is part of the scene. To skip it altogether is as rude as having dinner at a friend's house and then bolting once you've eaten your fill. Aftercare is not always extraordinary, the same way S&M isn't always extraordinary. Not everyone wants or needs aftercare, although I've always felt that if you "don't do aftercare,” that's something to warn your partner about ahead of time. I guess from the outside, aftercare often looks like a combination of snuggling and chatting and giggling -- sometimes, crying and/or comforting. From the inside, though, aftercare can feel like... a shot of pure empathy. Blissful connection. Words like "basking" and "glowing" and "transcending" come to mind. As someone said to me when I was first getting into S&M: "Very few S&Mers actually enjoy giving or receiving pain. What they like is where pain gets them.” The Practicalities of S&M Intimacy I believe that S&Mers should try very hard to put boundaries around our S&M interactions; we should work to communicate carefully, and compartmentalize what we do. Consent, and well-communicated boundaries, are the factors that separate S&M from abuse. I talked about those boundaries in "Thinking More Clearly About BDSM versus Abuse,” and I also talked about them in "What Happens After an S&M Encounter 'Gone Wrong." I've written about S&M communication tactics that enable communication and HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018658